It’s that time of year again when millions of us head for sunny climes and seaside resorts. But before we board our planes, we have to sit through a fiery ordeal called the Airport Retail & Entertainment Experience – the modern equivalent of the great medieval reality check, only with a little less fire, sword and torture – and a few more expensive perfumes with names like Ambience! and Vanilla Ghost.
A source of pleasure for some; a whole lot of irritation for others. Why? Here are 15 of the many reasons why the duty-free section and its various allies can drive you crazy…
The Windowless Maze of Despair
In the annals of Greek myth, Ariadne gave Theseus a ball of golden thread to mark his path through the labyrinth. Now you need the help of a mythological Minoan princess to find your way through the labyrinth that every passenger encounters just after security. Want to make it to your plane on time, sir? Great that you’re up for a challenge! Take 14 laps past the Temple of Flavored Vodkas, and if you get lost in the Wall of Unimaginable Priced Brandy, head back toward the same Sunglasses Towers.
Perfume Ambush
Theseus simply had to fight the Minotaur. He couldn’t resist the army of grinning young men and women who appeared at every corner, baiting him with cardboard strips infused with the latest “lifestyle scents.” A scary bull man is one thing. The combined aromas of jasmine, apple blossom, and whatever Johnny Depp was trying to sell in that commercial with his guitar and CGI wolves are something else entirely.
“Cheaper than high street prices”
Yes. Which main street? Rodeo Drive?
Water torture
We’re a sustainable airport. We believe in responsible travel. That’s why we’ve installed water fountains throughout our terminals. Where? Walk down the dreary service corridor, take the freight elevator to the fifth floor and ask for Nigel (Tuesdays only). Alternatively, choose from 77 brands of bottled water in these giant fridges. Something something, 20% recycled plastic.
Having to listen to music next to recycling bins
It’s a brilliant idea. Last month, Heathrow announced a series of summer concerts that will give young hopefuls a stage in Terminal Five and the chance to impress any high-flying record executives about to jet into the UK for the festival season.
Because that’s exactly what a man in a suit wants: the chance to listen to the “new Ed Sheeran” over the buzz of coffee machines two metres from the nearest That International Sandwich Franchise branch – just after crashing after an 11-hour flight from Los Angeles and before heading off to the mud of Glastonbury or Reading.
This is what the passengers want.
“Is our flight to Athens delayed – or is it departing from a new gate? I wouldn’t want to miss it because we weren’t paying attention.”
“I don’t know, my dearest. I didn’t hear the announcement – because Jeff over there was doing some beat-boxing. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just stay here and watch the ‘new Dua Lipa’ lip-sync.”
Having to play music for bored passengers near recycling bins
It’s a great idea. You’re a young, hopeful guy with serious plans to make it in the music business, and you’ve got a bunch of original songs to go with it. Unfortunately, your manager has booked you for an “impromptu” Heathrow gig in the middle of the summer.
Even thirty years later, you’ll wake up screaming in the middle of the night and remember the day your own personal soundtrack died when a four-year-old smeared ice cream on your amplifier.
Epic data harvest
“Hello. I’d like to purchase a single pack of these old-fashioned candies for my short flight.”
“Excellent sir. Please scan your boarding pass, provide us with the names of all your relatives, living or deceased, over the last four generations, and include an email address for each.”
“Competitive exchange rates”
If Charles Dickens were writing Christmas Carol Today, he would have welcomed Scrooge into an airport currency exchange. And completely without regret. “I don’t care if you’re the Ghost of Christmas Future. 92 Euro-cents to the pound. Do you want the callback option?”
Simple local souvenirs
There’s nothing better than saying “I had such a good time away that I didn’t think to get you a gift before I got to the airport – how about that?”, a box of biscuits in a fancy Victorian style with illustrations of the seven villages you haven’t visited. A biscuit slice costs £2.25.
Giant chocolate bar
Only seen in airports. Supported by your nearest private dentist and filling supplier.
Seafood roulette
You are about to be locked inside a metal tube for the next nine hours. Really What you need is a breakfast of shellfish at the oyster counter of an airport 75 miles from the ocean.
The famous chef’s restaurant…
The blurb: “At Angelino’s, we serve delicious food with all the finesse that two-Michelin-starred culinary giant Massimo Angelino brings to his restaurant empire. Gourmet cuisine inspired by his Sicilian upbringing. Heaven on a plate.”
Translation: “Chef Angelino’s 21-year-old sous chef apprentice gave us the menu over the phone about six years ago. Angelino’s isn’t even 500 miles away. We do mostly burgers.”
…with restaurant quality service
“Thank you. It was great. Can I pay you please? I have to catch my plane.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be back with the bill in 25 minutes and the credit card swipe device in 50 minutes.”
The incompatibility of everything
The perfume bottle in the maze of duty free: Damask Rose. Hints of citrus and spice. The famous actress-model repeats a slogan like a parrot. #YourBestLife. Only £129.99 for 100ml.
Perfume bottle on X-ray scanner 10 meters away: MAJOR SECURITY BREACH! DOWN THE SHUTTERS! CALL THE SWAT TEAMS! RELEASE THE DOGS!
Duty-free exception to the hand luggage rule
Airlines: One carry-on bag only; 3mm x 5mm x 6mm. If it doesn’t fit under the seat it will have to go to the hold for a £60 administration fee. If you complain you will be escorted off the plane and have to walk to your destination.
Airports: Buy all our awesome duty-free stuff. Buy as much as you can carry. Then cram it into the overhead bins, crushing everyone else’s luggage. We don’t care. Ker-ching!
This article was originally published in August 2023 and has been revised and updated.