Socks with sandals and chips with everything. It used to be very easy to spot British tourists in their unnatural environment: abroad. You can follow the scent trail of PG Tips and piss-in fountains, listen for its unmistakable call echoing majestically across inhospitable deserts (“Do you speak English?”) until you find her, her skin helpfully color-coded in hi-vis You can listen. pink and probably in the bar – a proud example Homo Britannicus Disturbed.
We’re a little better camouflaged these days, but it makes the hunt more fun. Here then are 20 gifts for your I-Spy International Tourists Book to help you catch a Brit abroad. Tally-ho!
Running to the toilet as soon as you enter the arrivals hall
It’s not the tea that’s the problem, it’s the terror shared by every Anglo person who doesn’t want to disturb the person next to them, who doesn’t sit in the aisle. However, the etiquette is clear: You’re allowed to ask twice per flight if you’re just one seat away from the aisle, but only once if you’re in the window seat (and thus facing the dreaded “double seat”). Excuse me”).
don’t queue
This was once a matter of national pride. This is because our passports are the wrong colour. Still, at least these days we have phones to keep us entertained while we wait (sure: 200 people Googling “Why exactly did we vote Leave again?”).
Carrying our own luggage
You don’t want to take the poor bellboy out. It’s not because he’s so busy with the other guests, not because your bags are so heavy or because the weather is this hot. No, we’ll carry these to the eighth floor ourselves, thank you; Honestly, no problem! (Plus, at least we won’t have to worry about how much to tip…)
Insufficient tipping
Britons often don’t tip, so embarrassed by the terribly awkward tango of trying to discreetly press notes into a stranger’s hand while appearing indifferent and worldly. Of course, they…
excessive tipping
The only thing worse than the above is the same, but a sad nod at the end from an insulted tipster. So we sometimes go to frantic efforts to avoid this horror show by shelling out an extra week or two of pay to tour guides and taxi drivers.
rollover
Meanwhile, normally hardy adventurers have been known to stumble and faint when told they are now expected to leave a “tip” (disgusting) of up to £100,000. 40 percent For good service in US restaurants.
Apologize
This now only happens when someone bumps into you, you want to pass someone, you don’t understand what someone is saying, you fall, or, for example, you have the audacity to have luggage that you need to check in. Britons now find themselves needing to throw bombs at several centuries of imperialist tendencies – so for slavery, for the Raj, for being abandoned, for the Elgin Marbles and, indeed, for much of the contents of the British Museum.
Washing our feet in the bidet
So what else do they expect us to use it for? This was actually a rhetorical question. There is no need to go into details.
try the food
Give credit where credit is due: Whether it walks, crawls, flies, floats awkwardly in a tank, looks at us with one sad eye, we will We eat a few bites of whatever is put in front of us.
try the language
“The locals really appreciate it when you make a little effort,” we say cheerfully, as the waiter visibly rolls his eyes and responds impatiently in perfect English.
Cleaning for maid
It’s no big deal, of course. Just a little tidying up here, a quick weir there, and maybe a quick walk with dusters everywhere. Now we don’t want the hotel/villa staff to think we’re sloppy, right?
Walk
Walk around the town, up the beach, along the dual carriageway… For the British, every holiday is a walking holiday. It’s an adventure (and otherwise we’d have to talk to taxi drivers, bus drivers, etc.).
talking to taxi drivers
The only thing we fear more than awkward small talk? Strange silence. You took a very deep breath and… “Were you busy tonight?”
He’s making a ‘global warming joke’
You know the one: When the sun comes up for four seconds, you theatrically turn your eyes to the person next to you and say, “So much for global warming, right?!” (Note: Works well for taxi drivers.)
Wandering endlessly past extremely good restaurants…
…we are looking for one that has an acceptable number of “local” looks in it, thus clearly proving its quality and originality. Then we go back to the first one we saw because it looked clean and had a sea view.
I’m not complaining
“How is everything? Oh, yeah, great, thank you so much for asking!”
to complain bitterly
But only later, via TripAdvisor, in a strongly worded email to the manager, or with a passive-aggressive comment in the guestbook.
That weird little ‘huh?’ Make occasional noise to show the tour guide that you are paying attention
Don’t forget to raise your eyebrows too.
Swearing at foreign plugs and sockets
Britain may not lead the world on many things this millennium, but goodness me, it’s easy to appreciate the trusty UK three-pin after spending 20 fruitless minutes trying to find a cheap, foreign, two-prong job so you can stay in the socket without fail. The moment you turn around, you walk out nonchalantly.
We are relieved once we pass the body scanners and passport control
Why do we always feel guilty and anxious when we approach them? It’s not like we had 200 kilos of drugs and a few hitmen on us. Oh my god, wait, what if we do it by accident? (Sorry, here we go again…)