Less than three years after he was front and center in Chelsea’s 2005 League Cup celebrations, Lenny Pidgeley found himself locked in an Elland Road toilet, paralyzed with anxiety.
A few weeks ago, wrapped in her sheets and curtains drawn, Pidgeley had considered ending it all. However, he had returned to training and there was a goalkeeper shortage at Millwall, the club he joined from Chelsea.
Pidgeley, then a 23-year-old goalkeeper, still doesn’t remember a single thing about the match (including Leeds United’s 4-2 win) apart from his panic attack. Remembering the day remains an uncomfortable experience.
“It started in the summer, off-season,” Pidgeley said. “I started having anxiety attacks and would be in bed with the door locked under the duvet and all the curtains closed. Millwall had sent me to the sect and I hadn’t played for months.
“I had just come back to training and the loan keeper couldn’t play. I was feeling a bit better and the next thing I knew I was playing at Elland Road in the first game I came back.
“I was in the toilet 10 minutes before the match started having a panic attack. I was dripping with sweat, vomiting, my heart was pounding out of my chest, and I was trying to convince myself that my knee was going to give way. I thought about it so much I could feel my hamstrings tightening.
“Then I was out there running in front of 30,000 people. Three weeks ago I was thinking about killing myself and now they’re calling me a bitch and stuff and I was just thinking ‘oh my god, if you only knew what was going through my head’.
“I got through the game but I couldn’t tell you what happened or what the outcome was. I probably deleted it because I didn’t want to remember anything about it. Even talking about it brings it all back, look, I’m warming up now, I’m rubbing my head, my mouth is a little dry.”
‘I wanted to jump from the balcony’
Pidgeley, who left Chelsea in 2006, was afraid he would go public with his struggles with anxiety and depression and that it would be used against him.
“My panic attacks were so uncontrollable that I wanted to jump off the balcony,” Pidgeley said. “I was in a really bad situation. I was ashamed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt weak and vulnerable, like my career was over.
“In my first evaluation at the sect, the man asked if I used drugs, if I smoked, if there had been any deaths in the family, and the answer to all of them was ‘no’. I wanted to have one that was ‘yes’ so I knew what it was. He finally told me that there might be a chemical imbalance in your brain and this could happen.
“I would rather have every bone in my body broken than what I went through, it was terrible. I couldn’t handle it and I thought I couldn’t live like this. All I wanted to do was sleep, but every time I woke up I felt worse. I thought if this continued like this I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.
“I started taking anti-depressants and it got under control for a while but when I was at Newport it happened again. Justin Edinburgh, who unfortunately died a few years ago, was the manager and he was amazing to me. It was really scary when he came back but he gave me all the time I needed.”
Pidgeley’s situation came to a head during his third major anxiety start at Farnborough in 2018, when the club announced his retirement and mental health issues in a message posted on social media and later deleted without his consent.
“I was working part time at the time and wasn’t going to work because I wasn’t feeling well,” Pidgeley said. “I was having anxiety and panic attacks on the morning of the match. I called the coach and said I couldn’t play, but he said ‘you have to play’. They had no goalkeeper.
“I told him I had quit football, that I was depressed and that it wasn’t good for my mental health. Immediately after the match they revealed that I retired due to depression. After I talked to them they deleted the topic. I couldn’t believe it, it was a disgrace. “I kept this issue quiet for 10-15 years.”
‘John Terry said: ‘Go look in your closet’
Understandably, Pidgeley prefers to remember the good times of his career when he played for England at U16, U18, U19 and U20 level. He has a Chelsea champion’s medal as well as the 2005 League Cup and Premier League championship, which he played in the club’s senior matches.
Sunday’s Carabao Cup final between Chelsea and Liverpool is a repeat of the Millennium Stadium final where Pidgeley sat on the bench 19 years ago.
“Carlo Cudicini was suspended and I was on the bench,” Pidgeley said. “I remember running to warm up and I was like ‘wow, this is a big deal.’ I was a Chelsea fan and this meant a lot to me. One of the kids explained to me what a win bonus was and it made even more sense!
“I was eating relatively peanuts back then. So for me the bonus was around a few thousand, equivalent to two months’ salary.”
Trailing almost the entire game, Chelsea won the final in extra time to earn Jose Mourinho’s first trophy as manager, and Pidgeley found himself front and center in the celebrations.
“Winning, being a big fan and having friends and family at the game. “It was incredible,” said Pidgeley. “They handed out the medals in team order. I was number 40 and there was no room left when the whole team stood up. John Terry was about to lift the trophy and I was up front next to the captain.”
Mourinho and Terry also ensured that Pidgeley played in the title success later that season and received a winners’ medal.
“Petr Cech played 95 per cent of the games that season and Carlo was his number 2, so I had never played before the last game of the league,” Pidgeley said. “Jose called me the week of that game and said he would take me on and I played the last eight minutes of the last game of the season against Charlton.
“I didn’t think I was going to get a Premier League champions medal, but JT solved that problem. I remember him saying ‘go and look in your locker’ in training and there it was. I framed both of my medals. One day I’ll hang them on the wall.”
‘Bosnich pinned me against the wall by my throat’
A childhood Chelsea fan, Pidgeley joined the club aged 11 and signed his apprenticeship forms at 16; This gave him the responsibility of cleaning the shoes of senior goalkeepers at the time such as Cudicini, Ed de Goey and Mark. Bosnian.
In 2019, Pidgeley posted on social media: “Just saw Mark Bosnich on Sky Sports News and it brings back so many bad memories of being his boot boy. Looking back over my career it’s such a bad thing “There are five players I’m considering and he’s miles ahead in the first place.”
One particular incident involving Bosnich and his boots sticking commemorated Pidgeley: “At Harlington, the old training ground, there was an outdoor tap so there would be a lot of us around trying to clean the boots. We were on the field at 8am and the players wanted to put their shoes on for training at 10am, so you were all in a mad rush.
“One morning, I was in the youth team’s locker room with the young players. Bosnich came in and shouted at me that his boots were still wet. Then he grabbed me by the throat and pinned me against the wall. I had probably just turned 17 and weighed about 12 stone and was terrified. I could be wrong, but I don’t think anyone really gets along with him.
“It came out later on how he was living his life back then and that he was going through a tough time, so yeah, if I saw him now I would say hello to him. “I’ve probably done things that I look back on and think ‘what a stupid thing’.”
Asked if he believed football was linked to panic attacks, Pidgeley said: “Since I retired I’m starting to think it doesn’t happen. I still can’t put my finger on it. Who knows? If I played now it might help and maybe I wouldn’t feel like I have to keep it a secret. I probably find myself in Elland.” “I wouldn’t lock myself in that toilet on the Road.”
Pidgeley began drinking more frequently after he stopped playing, but unlike the first time he was affected by anxiety, he brought the issue into the public spotlight via social media. He received support from another former goalkeeper, Chris Kirkland, who spoke about his mental health and struggles with addiction.
“I’m a heavy drinker and I’m a lot more open about things now, so I was feeling a little down and went to social media to open up,” Pidgeley said. “After what I’ve been through, it’s important for me to realize some things and focus on them.”
Pidgeley now runs his own landscaping business and celebrated his 40th birthday this month with his wife Carla, their five-year-old daughter Everly and their two daughters Lila and Paige from previous relationships.
“I’ve got my family, I’ve got my job, and I’m fine right now, touch wood,” Pidgeley said. “I’m happier now, but I look back at football with good memories. I’ve had some big highs and some big lows both in my career and in my life.