This is the kind of news that might make you choke down your oat milk latte, construction tea, budget sausage rolls and/or your best deli cut Parma ham (delete to your personal preference): when it comes to travel, some of us may not be so keen on being seen as British.
In particular, nearly a third (or 29 percent, which is close enough) of our fellow countrymen from this wand-ringed island like to stay away from their fellow countrymen when they go on vacation.
How do we know? That’s one of the findings of a recent study on our travel habits by language learning platform Babbel. And there’s more. The survey found that as many as seven percent of us pretend to be from a completely different nation What happens if we encounter another British group whilst relaxing at our chosen destination?
This got the Telegraph Travel team thinking (a dangerous one, I admit, but that’s the way it is). Polling statistics sometimes speak of a “silent majority” – a pretty apt phrase, considering we’re “enjoying” the election season. But could these numbers be even bigger? In fact, would 87% of us rather stick a fork in our legs than share an Italian restaurant with a group of Devonians, Brummies or Liverpoolans? Would one in three of us claim to be Slovenian, North Macedonian or Silesian rather than confess to a home address in Carlisle or Canterbury?
There’s only one way to find out – a completely unscientific and completely humorous multiple choice test. There are no wrong answers, no rewards, and very little point.
But there are still a few minutes left before the next European football match starts. So let’s get started.
It’s an easy place to start. Which of these is your ideal summer holiday destination?
A: Costa del Sol. Beautiful weather, friendly people and everyone speaks English. What’s not to like?
B: Tuscany. Beautiful weather, friendly people, and no one speaks English. Except for all the English in the villas in the hills. Ooh, look, Jeremy and Samantha? Cooee…
A: Last year we went to the grassy plains of western Paraguay. The Chamacoco people are lovely and very hospitable. But the best thing is that you don’t encounter any scary English people.
You’ve decided to go to a Greek island for your summer vacation. Which one?
A: Rhodes. We’re having beers in Faliraki. It’s your turn, right?
B: Crete. Excellent flight connections from the UK and some lovely properties – but, you know, it’s a very big island and there’s plenty of room to spread out. No, we didn’t go to Malia. But we heard that if you like that sort of thing, it’s probably fine.
A: We have refused to go to the Greek islands since that terrible incident with the donkey in Santorini. If we have to go, we will book an old shepherd’s hut in Pelion.
Oh my God. You’ve landed at an airport in a major European destination. And look at this? While everyone is going through the e-gates, there’s a long queue for British visitors. You…
A: Still try using e-gates. Don’t understand why you have to queue.
B: Wait stoically in line for the next 30 minutes, sighing occasionally. That’s the situation, and we have to wait – but it was a bit rude for the entire border force team to go to lunch en masse as our plane landed. Did they turn off the air conditioning?
A: Raise your voice and say, “Okay, This It didn’t happen before Brexit but I think All “You know what you’re voting for.” Repeat this every two minutes.
You pass a seaside restaurant, a table of British tourists are noisily taking up space on the front terrace. You…
A: Start with a quick chorus of “Southgate, you’re the one,” pull your T-shirt over your head, and walk through the door temporarily blind. Great chatter.
B: Go inside anyway, but ask for a table inside and in the back.
A: Make a quick phone call gendarmesand tell them to come all together.
When you arrive at the restaurant a large group of English diners arrive. You…
A: Ask the waiter to seat the newcomers next to you. Strangers are your friends you haven’t met yet and you also want to discuss football. Can you really believe that United haven’t sacked Ten Hag after all the rumours?
B: Roll your eyes at the waiter and change your steak order from “medium rare” to “still breathing.”
A: To leave.
Uh-oh. That big British group just ordered their third bottle of wine. You…
A: Bring the tables together. As the Black Eyed Peas made very clear, you’ve got a feeling this is gonna be a good night; this is gonna be a good night.
B: Put on an Inspector Clouseau accent, switch to your best Franglais and order your dessert with hand gestures. It doesn’t matter if the waiter answers you in English. He understands. He knows you’re a stylish Europhile. He’ll give you a digestive at home.
A: He spent the next hour staring openly at the table in question, increasingly loudly saying,some people As you say, “Passports should not be given,” your wife visibly sinks into her seat.
Which of the following would make you not want to go on holiday to Spain?
A: Anti-tourism protests in Tenerife and Mallorca. OK. We won’t go where we’re not wanted.
B: Temperatures. Sorry, it’s been really hot these days. As soon as it gets above 20C, Geoffrey breaks out in hives. You don’t want to see Geoffrey with hives.
A: All the British tourists. They’re everywhere, really. They’re absolutely everywhere. They’ve even discovered Valencia. We thought we were safe in Valencia.
You meet an American couple in Rome. For some reason, they misunderstand your accent and assume you’re Australian. You…
A: Yell: “Listen man. I was born in Birmingham, I live in Birmingham and I’m gonna die in Birmingham. No, not Birmingham Alabama. The real thing. Up the Villa.”
B: Spend the rest of the day pretending you’re from Sydney. Correcting people can be so awkward. If you’re going to say something, honey, you should have said it an hour ago.
A: Shout: “Australian? How dare you!” – before angrily walking out of the Colosseum.
The Mediterranean coastline is very hot at the moment. You will be staying on British soil instead. Which of the following do you choose?
A: Maybe somewhere on the Lincolnshire or Norfolk coast. We really do have some beautiful beaches and coastal gems in this country and we should be more proud of what these places have to offer.
B: The Scottish Highlands. So beautiful in summer, if you don’t mind the mosquitoes, and the scenery so stunning you could be in New Zealand.
A: I do not and I repeat I do not vacation in this country. It is too expensive, too crowded and we all know the situation of the beaches.
Where do you go skiing?
A: That stupid sport where you get a bunch of Norwegians in shell suits and running down mountains on pieces of metal? Okay, whatever, carbon fiber. I don’t care. Not for me.
B: French Alps. A home away from home and the snow is usually great as long as you are high enough up the mountain.
A: Aspen. We love Colorado in the winter. Flight time and cost are usually [whispered] You know who you are…
You’re being a rebel and choosing an unusual place for your next trip. Where?
A: Crewe
B: Bratislava, Split or maybe Warsaw. Somewhere in old Eastern Europe, whatever. Fascinating. It’s great to visit new places, but we don’t like to fly too far.
A: Solomon Islands. Do you know why?.
Time to fly home. But what is this? Oh, there’s a British stag party on your flight and they full of love pinot grigio. What are you doing?
A: Wish the bride-to-be the best as she embarks on the ship. May it be the happiest day of your life.
B: As soon as you take your seat, reach for your eye mask and earplugs. Surely the waiter won’t continue serving these?
A: Rebook your flight. There’s no point in getting on this plane anyway. It’s going to make an emergency landing in Bordeaux. mind-boggling intrigues.
