On the whole, we Brits are not keen on the idea of “therapy”; This still feels American and a bit self-indulgent. And yet, as we struggle with work challenges, layoffs, relationship breakdowns, bereavement, or the unpredictable ups and downs of middle age and beyond, more and more of us find ourselves in need of emotional guidance.
“Most people enter adulthood quickly,” says Owen O’Kane, psychotherapist and author of the book. How to Be Your Own Therapist?. “Unless we were lucky with our parents, psychological health was never part of our upbringing: we were not taught basic skills like managing difficult thoughts and emotional regulation,” she says. Moreover, post-pandemic, he is witnessing the highest level of emotional distress he has experienced in 30 years of practice. “The sheer level of struggle is astounding,” he says.
Born in Belfast, O’Kane, 54, worked in palliative care before becoming a psychotherapist and NHS clinical leader and is now a private GP. “There’s a misconception about therapy,” he says. “I’m not a fan of nods and long silences. You can’t delegate responsibility to your therapist or expect them to simply ‘fix’ you. Mere assurance may be counterintuitive.
“But when a person can’t see the forest for the trees, a therapist can be helpful,” she adds, “standing there with them and helping them understand themselves and why they keep repeating certain patterns of behavior.”
He believes everyone can benefit from therapy. “We would all love a personal fitness trainer if we could afford it; This one is no different. But NHS waiting lists are longer than ever and many people cannot afford a private therapist.” He believes doing nothing in the absence of a therapist is not an option. “The aim of self-therapy is to get you on the road: a crash course in knowing and understanding yourself. ”
O’Kane’s approach blends the disciplines of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma therapy, and mindfulness. His insightful book is both thought-provoking and practical, with written exercises and simple tasks that the reader can engage with. O’Kane, who advises BBC drama writers on the fidelity of their scripts, says: “It doesn’t help anyone in distress to dwell on their problems.” “’Knowing’ should be paired with ‘doing’ so that we can change our behavior and deal with future problems more easily.”
Here, in O’Kane’s words, are seven essential skills that can help you become your own therapist.
1. Know your own ‘story’
The story of your life will contain many treasures that will help you understand who you are and how you can live a fuller future. Start by literally jotting down the timeline of important events in your life; just the highlights, like a trailer for a movie. Go through the ups and downs: What are your thoughts and feelings about them? Most people live their lives and don’t stop to ask.
For example, can you see that there have been times when it was difficult to trust people, and that may be affecting you now? Most of the things that create big emotions in your current life have less to do with the here and now and more to do with issues you haven’t addressed in the past. By starting to understand them, you can turn them into something useful. When you find the courage to tell your own story without corrections or corrections, you say you are no longer ashamed of it, and it changes your life.
2. The most important thing is not the event itself, but your reaction to it
We have high expectations that our lives should go as planned, but this is never guaranteed. We will all face times of difficulty or pain. And in times of distress (the loss of a job, the end of a marriage) people tend to attribute their sadness to the event that just occurred. And of course, at first there will be a wave of negative emotions. But after this has passed, instead of thinking: “This isn’t fair!”. Ask yourself: “Is there another way to look at this?”. You have two choices: See this as a moment to lie down and admit defeat, or see it as a moment of opportunity.
For example, a person who is laid off may only see failure and blame himself. “This is a disaster,” “How will I pay the bills?” They might be thinking. Step outside of the disaster and think about similar times you’ve dealt with in the past. Your negative emotions are strong right now, but emotions never last; they pass. Each possibility will provide new opportunities for growth and resilience. “I can’t make it” becomes “I’ve gotten through harder times.”
3. Maintain a sense of perspective
I worked in palliative care for 10 years: the difficult terrain of death and the dying. This really played a big role in my understanding of what a better life is: working with people who had to confront their mortality grounded me, gave me perspective and forced me to look at things differently.
I learned many lessons during this period, but most importantly, I realized that how we use our time is vital. Relationships are the most important thing ever: you’ll never see someone’s career achievements on their tombstone.
4. Psychological flexibility is very important
Most people have rigid beliefs about how their lives “should” be: “I should please people”; “I mustn’t disappoint.” But repeated research shows that if you start from ground zero of what life should be like, you end up being inflexible. Therefore, if something goes wrong, it proves that you are garbage.
Learn to negotiate on your own terms. Instead of the above, try: “I don’t have to be perfect”; “Sometimes I get it wrong” or “I don’t always do my best”. This takes practice, but if you find yourself being rigid in your thought process, stop yourself and ask if there is an alternative perspective on this situation.
I liken it to the suspension of a car: if it’s stiff, you’ll feel every bump in the road, but if it’s supple, the ride will be smoother and more comfortable.
5. Categorize emotions as ‘interesting’ rather than ‘good’ or ‘bad’
Emotions are guides and they are there for a reason. And people hold on to positive emotions; They want to be happy, successful, in love, and suppress negative emotions such as fear or anxiety. This is completely understandable. But we need to be curious about these “negative” emotions and what they teach us. No emotion is wasted.
For example, anxiety about a big work project might be telling you to slow down. The sadness after a breakup is difficult but healing. Telling yourself or another person to “look on the bright side” is counterproductive because it invalidates your feelings and slows down your healing.
6. Always examine the evidence
Your inner critic is there to keep you from getting hurt, and your anxiety is driven by “what if.” You may think you can’t cope with being single or losing your job, but what is the evidence that this thought is true?
I tell my clients to imagine themselves in a court of law. Will their evidence of how they feel hold up in court? Is this evidence biased or personal? Deal with your inner critic by becoming the advocate of your own life.
I also advise people to write something; For example, keeping a diary can be very useful. If you find yourself in a difficult situation, challenge the negative thoughts you have by writing down 10 key evidence points against yourself. You may surprise yourself that you can’t think of anything.
7. Show who you are without apology
Of course, life has uniforms and rules: For example, we must present ourselves a certain way and behave appropriately in a work environment. But we spend so much time in our lives trying to appear to be something other than what we are: That’s not the path to a happy life. I grew up as a gay man in Northern Ireland during the Troubles and lived my early life with Catholic shame and guilt. I had to move to realize its impact and only came out in my early 20s.
After all, being at peace with ourselves and remaining true to our inner values is a human freedom. This means speaking out and pushing boundaries, even if it is sometimes unpopular. If you see someone being bullied and there is no one else supporting them, be the one to do it. You may create discomfort and upset people, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.
Other people’s opinions don’t matter in the long run. If what you do pleases everyone, you’re doing something wrong. If we spend our lives waiting for approval, we will be dissatisfied. Trust yourself and your decision. And always ask yourself: What will my actions be?
How to Be Your Own Therapist? By Owen O’Kane (HarperCollins, £9.99)
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