Azerbaijan, as you probably know, is no Saint-Tropez. But that doesn’t seem to stop the ultra-rich. They are, unquestionably, extremely stupid and extremely greedy, and they pack their crazy little Louis Vuitton bags and give away ridiculous amounts of Azerbaijani goods. manat For a sunbed at the new Baku branch of Nikki Beach.
For those completely unfamiliar with the Nikki Beach ‘brand’, it’s a chain of luxury beach clubs. (How luxury? Well, a salad – sorry, the menu calls it a ‘Sexy Salad’ – costs £36.) Her empire traverses the globe like a catwalk supermodel, with branches everywhere from Miami Beach to Koh Samui (via, of course, our beloved Saint Tropez itself). But now, she’s bringing her brand of muslin-draped daybeds and overpriced lettuce leaves to places as diverse (i.e. desperate) as Muscat, Magaluf and even Baku.
That’s good, because no doubt the oligarchs will enjoy ogling the stewardesses and pouring their £340 bottles of rosé wine in Azerbaijan (nicely sandwiched between Russia and Iran) – but it’s yet another worrying reminder of how the one per cent are slowly taking over the world’s beaches, turning them into tasteless hotbeds. True, it may be another year or two before we see a Nikki Beach in Tenby or Great Yarmouth, but keep your eyes peeled for the stupid rich as imported tiger prawns for progress. Here are a few early warning signs to help – things like ‘We’ll fight them in the beach clubs…’ and the like – 15 ways the super-rich are already ruining the beach.
1. ‘Yachts’
Actually, it wouldn’t bother us if they did that. was yachts – beautiful Swallows and Amazons something that dangles in the harbour. But no, nowadays the word refers to something that looks like a floating Dubai skyscraper and blocks the sun for half the people on the beach.
2. Beach Butlers
No, I don’t want my sunglasses polished, thank you. I’m trying to wear them.
3. Influencers try to get you out of their way
Can we really blame it on the rich? Of course we can. Entitled rich morons go to the entitled likely-Rich morons follow them.
4. ‘Small plates’
“Our menu is based on the concept of sharing, ma’am, where we encourage you to order seven or eight small plates between the two of you, not just one main course. What’s this? Oh no, you’d think so, wouldn’t you sir, but each small plate actually costs almost the same as what you’d normally pay for a main course ha ha…”
5. Loafers
Make men’s feet look like cakes. But at least they’re not…
6. High heels
Inside Annual? Are you kidding me?
7. ‘Six star’ hotels
Do you really need an underwater nightclub, a floating infinity pool, and a two-Michelin-starred chef who will “supervise” the restaurant that microwaves your wagyu burger (i.e. come twice a year)? Okay, but helipadCome on, stop it already.
8. Increasing prices
A .99 stamp? An .89 stamp, more like it! Thanks, one percent.
9. Boys toys
He films himself falling off of hoverboards, gliders, mini submarines, jet skis, and, of course, drones.
10. Private islands
How did they find an island that the British Empire couldn’t find at first? And why aren’t we invading it?
11. Food
Ceviche, poke, edamame… not these mealsThese are the side dishes! (Put these next to the crushed haddock and chips and talk.)
12. Drink
Same thing, but with liquids. We have no problem with the over-the-top-tolerant-of-real-alcohol brigade sipping Aperol spritzes and Whispering Angels and 0% ABV craft gins, hand-distilled in small batches from local produce – but now there’s no room in the bar fridge for old-school shandy cans, pre-mixed margaritas and own-label rums.
13. Huts
Now with air conditioning, Wi-Fi and flat-screen TVs, you… maybe you’d be happier in your hotel room?
14. Dawn yoga
Get out of my way, will you? I’m trying to put a towel on the lounge chair right now.
15. And real beach clubs
Not just Nikki Beach, you know. Now, every boisterous pub within half a mile of a sewage-filled strip of sand wants in on the action: they throw a threadbare velvet rope around their soggy sunbeds, hire a ‘DJ’ to bang his head on his laptop for four hours, then charge you to get in, to hire something to sit in, to eat, to drink and then, finally, for nothing, because you didn’t quite make the ‘mandatory minimum spend’, so they rounded up your bill to €300 anyway. And all this to be on a beach spot that’s the same size as the beach five feet away on the other side of the rope (in Azerbaijan, if you’re really unlucky).