-
Amber is one of the subjects of Disorder, a compelling new feature documentary about three armed forces veterans who must learn to cope with PTSD as civilians outside of a war zone, having experienced trauma on many levels while protecting our freedom.
-
Directed by Bafta-winning filmmaker Kate Blewett, Disorder crudely portrays the challenges they face as they try to ‘normalise’ their daily existence and mental health.
I was at school when I went to Armed Forces Day and thought: “Yes, I will join the army!” From that moment on, I was determined to join the army. I was sexually abused growing up, and it was a good excuse to escape my hometown, make something for myself, and explore the world.
I was 16 when I entered the Medical Association. When I started medical training, I loved it. It was the right path for me. For the first few years I was stationed in Aldershot and from there we deployed to Afghanistan and Kenya among other places.
I used to watch Band of Brothers on TV when I was little, so in my head I was thinking: “Oh, I know what’s going to happen.” You can watch as many war stories as you want, but nothing can prepare you. We did basic training, we did medical training, and then we did really intense pre-mission training. You may be physically and mentally prepared for extreme situations and feel confident that you are strong enough to handle it, but I don’t think you can ever properly prepare, which can be a shock to the system.
When I was in the army, I immediately felt at home, it was like my calling. There’s nothing like the friendships you make with your military colleagues. I have never been able to compare the friendships you have established and the trust and respect you have for each other. I haven’t experienced this since. It’s a great feeling to know that you have a brother or sister you can always call.
I grew up very quickly in the army. I learned to grow up really fast when I was deployed to Afghanistan at 18 and to Kenya at 19. I learned not only about my small hometown, but also about the world. It opened my eyes to what was out there. There are some truly terrible people in the world, but there are also some truly beautiful ones.
My happiest memories of my army career are while stationed in Kenya. It’s magical there. We were distributing medical aid to civilians, vaccines to children, medicine against malaria and mosquito nets. I remember clearly one day the local people were dancing these dances and they included us in it. It touched your soul, it was beautiful. It was fascinating to see their culture and the fact that they don’t use electronics every day.
When I was sent to Brunei and Malaysia, I started to miss home. There I started getting counseling and therapy and they diagnosed me with PTSD. I was in the military for 11 years before I was medically discharged. They said I was mentally unfit for service.
It was one of the worst times of my life; going into civilian street when I lost everything I loved and wanted to make a career out of, which I didn’t know about because I was 16 when I quit. It was a very difficult time and it took me a few years to transition because I was so institutionalized in the military, that’s all I knew. I didn’t know what to do with my career, I didn’t know where it would take me. I was homeless at one point, which a lot of veterans do because you don’t understand civilian streets.
When I joined Op COURAGE last year, which was founded in 2021, I had no support regarding PTSD. It’s an immediate three-month intervention and they counsel you and teach you the benefits. It’s a support network and you meet several times a week, so it’s really intense. This has helped me a lot and I know it has helped others too. Having them changed my life.
I am a different person than I was before I joined the military. That song, I’m a Lover Not a Warrior, is mine now. I don’t want drama, I don’t want anything to make me anxious. This is true for many other veterans as well. We have fought our war and our struggle, we only want peace and happiness.
My participation in the Disorder documentary was made possible by the charity of which I am an ambassador: Help 4 Homeless Veterans. Someone approached Steve, the CEO of the charity, and he recommended me, for which I am very grateful.
Watch the trailer of Disorder
It was very therapeutic because some of the things I talked about in the documentary were heavy on my shoulders. It was like a broadcast. So I felt much lighter afterwards. Even though I was nervous, I knew that sharing my story would help others, give someone else the power to have their voice heard. Sometimes you have to be brave and step forward so someone else can do the same.
I’m in a great place now. I’ve had a great year and have a lot of projects lined up. I shot for Operation Rock The Troops in Ireland. I’m the first English senior to take part in the program and write a song with the musicians, and I’m going to Texas next week to record it in a studio.
I also worked on volume one of a veterans poetry book with support from Mark Busby of Film Volt Group, and we are currently working on volume two, with all proceeds going to Help 4 Homeless Veterans. So I give back as much as I can. This all came from me working as an ambassador and the movie Disorder, learning how to be in front of the camera and being supported by someone else. [director] Kate Blewett. It really boosted my confidence.
Disorder from Genesius Pictures, It will be available to watch on digital platforms (Apple, iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and YouTube) in the UK on Tuesday, November 28, 2023.