I love my son Marcus with all my being, but there was a time when alcohol caused a separation between us. As an alcoholic all you care about is that bottle and drinking was much more important to me than being a good father.
Alcohol has always been in my life. I grew up in a time when the rules around alcohol were more relaxed. When I was 13, my brothers would buy me beer at the bar. Then in my early 20s, I worked in the corporate world where there was beer at 5pm, wine with dinner, lots of spirits, and then drinking somewhere at 3am.
Things got worse about seven years ago when I started having serious eye problems. I’ve had every test imaginable at every leading clinic in the country, but to date no one has been able to find the cause. At one point I couldn’t read my emails. Fortunately, doctors were able to reverse the regression in my right eye, but I have now lost 90 percent of the vision in my left eye. These days I still get caught up in things, can’t always see people and get lost in the dark. It was a huge change and I couldn’t cope when it first happened.
But instead of talking about it and being honest about how terrified I was, I made jokes and acted like everything was fine. Behind closed doors, I bottled myself up and my alcohol consumption skyrocketed.
About five years ago when Marcus was 14, I was really struggling. I had been separated from Marcus’ mother before, but we had always co-parented and my relationship with Marcus was extremely close. Before I had a drinking problem, I was the kind of dad who called her every day; We went to rugby together regularly and loved being around each other.
But as my drinking picked up, I started enjoying more than a few bottles of wine and beer in the afternoon, rather than drinking bottles of wine and beer at night. The first thing I thought about waking up at the end of 2020 was to have a drink. At that point I was drinking vodka because it got me drunk quicker.
Running my own law business, I was able to pretty much keep my professional life together, even though I was away from work most of the time. But then when I hit rock bottom, I had to be honest with my management team and ask for their help. This was hard: being upfront about how bad things had become.
I was always very smart about hiding my addiction. I would sneak away to sneak out when no one was looking, and because my tolerance was high, I could still be around Marcus and work. Even so, Marcus was no fool and realized that I was not the father he knew and loved. It’s hard to admit, but he once found me asleep in bed, surrounded by empty bottles. Not my proudest moment.
Things gradually got worse and I started to disappoint him. I forgot to take it, didn’t show my face at the rugby match and was often distracted by the thought of the next drink. Marcus was always my priority, but now there was alcohol.
One day his mother intervened and told me I needed to get professional help. Even though I agreed to go to rehab, as crazy as it sounds, I didn’t really believe I had a problem. When I got out I immediately started drinking again. It became a cycle; I went to rehab five times in total.
And it continued like this. I was drunk at all hours of the day. Marcus stopped seeing me and the sadness I felt around drove me closer to the bottle. We were both stuck in our own bubbles of pain. I destroyed myself with drink; Marcus isolated himself from his emotions. It never blew up or rebelled, but it did shut down. We’ve talked about it since then, and he realized it was his way of managing how overwhelming everything was. We both know now that it’s better to uncover these difficult feelings and try to deal with them.
But back then, the more I drank, the more I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I reached the stage where I was in a pit of drunken misery and in my mind there seemed to be no difference whether I lived or died.
Then one morning in September 2022, a miracle of sorts happened. I was sitting with Marcus in the garden of my parents’ house and he turned to me and said: ‘Dad, you are 42 years old and you still need your mom and dad. ‘I’m 17 and I need you.’
I was at such a low point in my life, feeling lost and alone is an understatement, but these words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was at that moment that I realized I had a purpose in my life; I had to be a good father to my son again. I went back to rehab and it was no picnic. It required dedication and hard work. But the discussion groups gave me a whole new perspective on life, and the connections I made showed me that there were many people with similar experiences. I felt completely supported and understood by staff and other patients. No matter how difficult it was at the time, I haven’t looked back.
My sober life is amazing. I feel and look ten years younger, I can face my emotions without fear, I communicate honestly, and I give myself a break. I realize that I am human, full of human errors, and can only do my best. Then last year I founded Claritee Group, which runs Be The Spirit; who host alcohol-free events for people who want to socialize but who, for whatever reason — sobriety, pregnancy, health — don’t want to drink. It was a great success.
My relationship with Marcus is closer than ever. We spent hours discussing what had happened and I told him I was so sorry for what I had put him through. I hurt him so much. It took time to rebuild trust, and for the first six months of my sobriety, he worried that I would relapse. It’s important for him to understand that communication between us broke down when I was at my worst because of my alcohol addiction. It wasn’t his fault. And thankfully now we can talk about anything and everything.
There were a lot of tears shed but it’s healthy. These feelings need to come out and be shared. And there’s a lot of laughter these days, too. Marcus is a beautiful soul; respectful, polite and courteous. He studies Business and Economics at Leeds University and although he enjoys fun, he’s not much of a drinker. We won’t actually be together on Father’s Day because he’s traveling in Thailand, but I suspect we’ll have a Face-Off and share the love. Just yesterday he sent me a message saying he was proud of me.
Marcus saw me hit rock bottom and it was a rollercoaster ride. Life sucked and I messed up, but my son forgave me. He’s the reason I hit the road again. And right now it feels good from here on out.
As told to Jenny Tucker