As the rain pelted our green and pleasant lands this week (and helped to endure), even the most virtuous have given up on the idea of a miserable stay. An election in early July means that even our politicians won’t have to pretend to lead the way by claiming to be enjoying a freezing English holiday (although Gordon Brown never strikes me as a tanning man and is probably enjoying his holidays in Keswick). .
So I could almost feel booking.com’s likes diminishing under the weight of holiday bookings. Soon a week or two of guaranteed warmth, some Costa del blue skies, some pleasant Spanish sunshine.
But not so fast, you holiday beaver longing for sun, sand and sangria. Because officials in some of our popular holiday destinations have British tourists in their sights. Okay, so maybe you’re thinking that this doesn’t really apply to you, your villa in the hills of Ibiza or a luxury two-week holiday in a hotel in Palma’s Old Town.
Because it’s our rowdy citizens who the Balearic authorities don’t welcome as new restrictions come into force this month. In fact, there are a number of regulations guaranteed to intimidate or even undermine the lively intentions of British tourists.
Smoking is prohibited on some beaches; All hotels in Magaluf, El Arenal, Playa de Palma and San Antonio will limit guests to six alcoholic drinks per day as part of the all-inclusive deal; Some restaurants ban football jerseys, strapless vest tops and swimsuits, while many restaurants in Majorca insist on credit card details when booking. But the strictest regulations include a ban on the sale of alcohol in stores between 21.30 and 08.00 and a ban on party boats sailing within one nautical mile of the towns of Llucmajor, Palma, Magaluf and San Antonio.
Of course, this all completely destroys the heart and soul of a proper holiday in the Balearic Islands. Because when someone books a holiday to, say, Ibiza, they have an all-inclusive bargain in mind with unlimited booze, then change into a suit, do good old partisan football chants and exchange verbal abuse. They’re like that Beach Club, random last minute decisions at restaurants followed by some fags on the beach. And the whole point of a boozy cruise is to get off the ship drunk and then invade the town, preferably where the deer on the boat raid a bar where the bachelor party is in full swing.
But the local authority has made time for what it calls “overtourism” and is spending £13.7 million enforcing these restrictions; on security, controls and marketing of the print.
But it was these oddities that built Ibiza. We may have watched with horror reality TV series depicting parties and nightlife. Words like Pacha (the name of Ibiza’s most famous club) have become expressions of wild hedonism; DJs like Carl Cox and David Guetta became legends of the scene by fueling excess. Pete Tong’s destination was Ibiza.
Documentaries and other fictionalized series like Netflix white lines It worked as fantastic marketing for the Balearic Islands, at no cost to the Spanish tourist board. Restaurants, bars, clubs and boats were then filled with Brits looking to emulate those crazy times and grab a piece of the “Ibeefa” spirit.
But now, thanks but no thanks. We (and I use “we” in the broadest sense because they are our fellow citizens, taxpayers) have lined their pockets and now we can fuck up.
So where will this leave the Balearic islanders, real estate developers, bar owners and greedy Spanish spivs who are eagerly spreading concrete piles across the tiny fishing village of San Antonio? When the laws are enforced with the utmost local sensitivity and our holiday hooligans will find new places to pour their money and show their bods, will these ugly apartments and breezy hotels prevent places built for a little sleep and little else? Will the echoing caves soon be empty?
Palma mayor Jaime Martínez said he wanted to “correct bad attitudes”. But the problem is that these places were built to provide food for marauding hordes. Who does he think will want to stay in these festering apartments anymore? The wealthy middle classes are already happily sipping imported French rosé Chateau Minuty in the reassuringly expensive restaurants of Playa d’en Bossa, in the open kitchens high above Santa Eulalia and, better yet, at the Sa Capella restaurant. where you can snuggle into lamb shoulder while contemplating how terribly remote San Antonio is, quietly glistening at sunset.
Balearic officials went on a field trip to Wales, presumably to consult with their tourist administration colleagues. There, the Welsh Government turned what was once a glorious British aspiration into the devil incarnate: turning the term “second home” into a dirty word. A member of Gwynedd council said second homes were “immoral”. North Wales local government has managed to convince people that their incompetence, failure to tackle poverty, NHS waiting lists, poor education and lack of housing are actually the fault of the British people who love the region so much and enjoy holidaying there. To some extent, they bought second homes to fully commit to this idea.
So the local government, which invested in the local economy, spent money on bars, hotels and restaurants, put money into the hands of local builders, plumbers and electricians who repaired these houses, then decided to condemn them, demonize them and ask for their help. to clean. The Welsh long for prosperity but then reject the means to seduce it and use the worst features of nationalism to achieve it.
The Cornish followed suit; They shared a nationalist fervor that suggested they too wanted independence, border controls, their own currency (payments in Yargs, after their nettle-wrapped cheese), as well as full culinary control of those disgusting pastries. Authorities are encouraging ugly, anti-second-home graffiti, and Cornholes has chosen to name and shame one of our nation’s most famous chefs; This was a man who showcased Britain’s relentless values of quality and food precision around the world. Gordon Ramsay was now nothing more than an evil second host. And so the Balearic authorities are implementing the same strategy.
I don’t like our hooligans, but what I don’t like even more is the hypocrisy of those who profit from them and now treat my British brothers and sisters in a beastly manner.
If it weren’t for those brewery idiots, your coastline would still be nothing more than a desolate strip of scrubby wasteland. It’s nice for wealthy people who see the villas from above, but not so good for working people. The popular Spanish saying goes: es más vale pájaro en mano, que ciento volando.