Adam* first came to my workplace in 2016, with all his intense, macho energy and charm. In reality, he was a master manipulator who found his way into my life before systematically entering it. I wish I knew how to keep him away.
It was 2016 and I was a separated mother in my mid-40s with a successful career in skills training. The man was bringing customers to the office. Over coffee, she told me with her big brown puppy dog eyes that her brother had been murdered, but she was uncomfortable saying how. I felt really bad for him, he looked like he needed a friend.
I wasn’t looking for a partner. I had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, but for three months Adam showed interest in me, which I guess was a huge ego boost.
Four months later we were in a relationship and he had encouraged me to go into business with him. He met my three children, then ages 11, 13, and 15, and was at my house five nights a week.
He called it a “hurricane romance.” In reality, this was his love bombing and “information gathering” phase; Here he was learning everything about me to make us feel closer. He would take me to the fanciest restaurants and talk about my interests, like cooking, the gym, and cycling. And he was everything my ex wasn’t.
We were in love but there were red flags – he didn’t like me socializing or having a male osteopath – but he said he just wanted to protect me. “Send me photos when you’re out, I like to see where you are.”
No matter how much I swore loyalty, accusations of cheating soon followed.
I loved hiking, and when I took a drive to the mountains with a friend, where phone reception was limited, it went crazy. “I will fix your phone to make sure you are always safe,” he texted. I thought he was worried after his brother’s death, but that’s when he actually started following me. In addition to secretly taking photos of me, I remember him sitting in the bathtub, chatting with his phone in his hand, when I got out of the shower. I heard a photo was taken but when I asked him he laughed, “you’re paranoid”.
Two years later, while Adam was terrorizing me, I woke up one morning to see 40 Facebook friend requests from men in Pakistan. I couldn’t even bear to look at what was sent so I deleted the account, I’m scared to think what else he received without me knowing.
We fought constantly, not physically, for eight months. I think it took me longer to realize that his behavior was abusive because he never touched me. The “victims” had bruises and cut lips, right?
The only time he hit me was during sex, never where it would leave a mark. I didn’t allow it, I didn’t like it rough, but who knows what’s “normal” in other people’s bedrooms? Was I just nervous? He said his other partners were accommodating. Sexual repression is so rarely discussed that I was so confused but also deeply ashamed. The guy wanted sex every day and if I wasn’t in the mood he would accuse me of wandering around. It became easier to comply with this, otherwise he would make fun of me and keep me awake all night. The next morning I would put on a smile, get the kids ready, and head to work.
Little by little I became lonely; He wanted my undivided attention, so he didn’t like me seeing my personal trainer or friends. I didn’t want business people to know about us, so we kept our relationship private, and although my friends sensed something was wrong, I was too embarrassed to trust them.
I tried to end it a few times over the next year, but it was complicated by our shared work, then he would claim undying love, and then we would get back together. It was a cycle that destroyed trust, with him criticizing my appearance, my cooking, my parenting, my work… everything.
My weight fluctuated wildly because she forced me to eat by telling me I was “too skinny” but the next week I was “too fat.” It wasn’t just about the food; They had very specific hygiene and care routines. I had to shower twice a day, sometimes more. The man dictated my makeup and hated my tan, preferring pale skin.
When I look at my old photos, I see a healthy woman in 2016, but in 2018 I was hunched over, drawn with empty eyes. I lost my hair and two teeth due to recurring infections that my dentist said were due to stress.
One time I was working abroad and he made a video call to “see my hotel room” (check that I was alone), then exploded: “Are you wearing all black? I told you not to!” His eyes would turn black when he was angry. He would check on me even from abroad. I questioned every little decision, afraid of his reaction.
Later in therapy, I learned that there was a name for her behavior: coercive control, where it is common to believe that the abuser is right and to blame oneself. I was also educated about “narcissistic personality disorder” (essentially a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high level of self-importance). But at the time I thought he was just hotheaded and overprotective.
There was also an endless kerosene lamp, and I was roasting lamb in the kitchen when he came in and I shouted angrily: “You put the oven too high, you’re ruining the dinner!” He’d never used my oven while I’d been roasting for years, so I ignored him. Twenty minutes later he appeared again: “What are you playing? You set the oven too low!” I hadn’t changed anything. The penny dropped, how many times had I reacted to his frantic demands to appease him? After that I started paying more attention.
The last time I mustered the courage to put an end to it, almost two years after we met, was when the persistent stalking began. He refused to accept that we were over, so he stood outside my house for hours, ringing the doorbell and controlling my home speakers from his cell phone. I tried to persuade my ex to take the kids, but they were mostly with me, so this all affected them too.
He caused a scene at work in front of customers. I was able to get him to leave just by promising to unblock him on my phone. Later that night I was so scared I walked around for five hours and returned an email saying he had overdosed but had his stomach pumped. I was beside myself, no matter how scared I was, I didn’t want him dead. I later discovered this was a lie.
Stupidly, I took it back and felt guilty about the stomach pump causing the sore throat. It was the scariest and most miserable time of my life. I knew I needed an exit plan but I didn’t know what it was.
I knew I had to quit our job and that’s when the police got involved in August 2018. I resigned, the papers were handed over to him, and he went crazy. He lied to customers and smeared my name, so I told the police and hired a lawyer. I went to his office using public transportation because I was so scared and prayed that he wouldn’t kill me in public.
I poured my heart out for the first time to that lawyer who finally told me this was domestic violence.
With his help, it cost me £9,000 to obtain the restraining order; He himself violated this order repeatedly over the next two years. For violating this, he would be arrested, then released on bail or fail to appear in court. It was torture and the beta blockers had to leave the house while police investigations continued. And while he was getting legal aid, I was losing thousands of pounds each time.
Despite the domestic and sexual abuse, harassment and theft, perjury, slander and slander, attempted extortion, vandalism, identity theft, fraud and psychological torture he put me through, it was a stalking charge for my lawyer to prosecute him. for. I wanted to see him torn apart in court, but when Adam finally appeared in the dock, he quickly pleaded guilty to stalking.
I am outraged and frustrated by the criminal justice system, but I am considered “lucky” since only 4 percent of stalking perpetrators are convicted. He was sentenced to nine months in prison but was released after 100 days.
The man turned my life upside down and in the short window he was in, I had to make major changes in my life and start over from scratch. I changed my name and I don’t even dare register to vote, in fact I have become a “non-person”. I changed my career, lost thousands of kilos, moved cities and changed my appearance. I haven’t posted a selfie since 2018, so he doesn’t know what I look like now. I still wear a wig, hat or mask when I go to certain places, and I wear sweatpants instead of my normal clothes.
I still have PTSD and probably always will. I’m getting better, therapy has taught me coping strategies, but learning to relax seems impossible when I still need my own opinions. I don’t use medication anymore.
I constantly worry about my family’s safety every minute of every day. The thought of being with another man in the future is overwhelming. I feel like I’ve been to hell and back. My focus now is on repairing my relationships with my family, my friends, and most importantly, myself.
*Names and some details have been changed to protect identities.
As told to Susanna Galton
How to survive a coercive controlling relationship?
Georgina Sturmer is a women’s counselor and member of the British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy and has supported many clients experiencing domestic abuse and coercive control. Here’s his advice.
To follow
Find a way to track the behavior you notice and record it so you can understand a pattern of behavior. Make sure you’re careful, consider getting a second phone or taking steps to cover your tracks when you’re online. Women’s Aid has some useful information on staying safe and covering your tracks.
Maintain a support network
If your partner has tried to isolate you, it can be very difficult to stay in touch with people you can turn to, but it is very important to try to reach out to them to maintain your own identity and reassure yourself. If you can leave, I will get support.
Consider making a practical plan for leaving
This process is two-way. Practical: What do you need in terms of items, money, documents and support? And the emotional process: Thinking about leaving a controlling relationship can bring up overwhelming emotions like anger, frustration, guilt, shame, anxiety, or fear. Beginning to truly notice these feelings can help us on our path to extricating ourselves from the situation.
Contact local support services
Know where you can go and who you can call for help. A variety of types of support are available, including legal, advocacy, peer support, skills development and counselling.
therapeutic support
Counseling can offer a non-judgmental, confidential space to explore and understand our relationships. This can be a space for you to build your self-esteem and resilience and understand your own personal story.
Where to seek help
Local women’s centers offer an incredible range of services if you Google what’s on in your area, but these are great for advice and nationwide:
Check out @stopyourstalker on Facebook or Instagram for more information.