Jimmy Kimmel
…on Barbie: “What an accomplishment to buy a plastic doll that no one likes anymore – before this movie, my wife would have had a better chance of buying our daughter a pack of Marlboro Reds than a Barbie doll. Barbie is now a feminist icon, thanks to Greta Gerwig, who many believe deserves to be nominated for best director tonight. Wait a second, I know you’re applauding, but by the way, you’re the one who didn’t vote for him. Don’t act like you had nothing to do with this.”
… About Robert Downey Jr. on Oppenheimer: “This is the high point of Robert Downey Jr.’s illustrious career. One of the highest points. [The camera finds Downey Jr, who taps his nose.] “Was that in your nose too, or did you make a drug-related move?”
… About Messi the dog in Anatomy of a Fall: “There’s a scene where Messi overdoses… I haven’t seen a French actor eat vomit like that since Gérard Depardieu.”
…about Emma Stone in Poor Things: “Emma played a grown woman with the brain of a child. Like the lady who refuted the state of the union.”
Relating to: Viral moments of Oscars 2024: John Cena buff, Emma Stone’s eye roll and Paul Giamatti’s tears
… About Robert De Niro and Jodie Foster: “In 1976, Jodie Foster was young enough to play Robert De Niro’s daughter. She’s too 20 years old to be his girlfriend anymore.
… Regarding the Sat-Aftra strikes: “This long and difficult work stoppage has taught us that this strange town of ours – no matter how pretentious and superficial – is at heart a union town. It’s not just over-botoxed, Hailey-Bieber-smoothie-drinking, prescription-diabetes-using, gluten-sensitive nepo babies and constantly shivering chihuahuas. This is a coalition of strong, hard-working, mentally strong American working people; Men and women who will die with 100% certainty even if we have to touch the handle of a shovel.”
Da’Vine Joy Randolph
…On winning best supporting actress in Holdovers: “I didn’t think I should do this as a career. I started out as a singer and my mother said to me: ‘Go to the theater department across the street, there’s something there for you.’ And I thank my mother for doing this. … I have always wanted to be different for a long time. And now I realize I need to be myself.”
Sean Ono Lennon
…after winning the best short animation award for the movie War Is Over
My mum turned 91 in February and today is Mother’s Day in the UK, so everyone please say “Happy Mother’s Day, Yoko!” can he say?
Oscar audience: Happy Mother’s Day Yoko!
Cord Jefferson
…On winning best adapted screenplay for American Fiction: “There are a lot of people out there who want the opportunity I was given. I understand that it’s a risk-averse industry, I get it, but $200 million movies are a risk too, and it doesn’t always work out, but you still take the risk. So making a $200 million movie is a risk.” Try making 20 $10 million movies or 50 $4 million movies instead. The next Martin Scorsese is there, the next Greta; they’re both Gretas! – the next Christopher Nolan. I promise you that you’ll trust a 40-year-old black man who’s never directed before. “Thank you all for your support. It changed my life.”
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Jonathan Glazer
…On The Zone of Interest winning the best international film award: “All our choices are made to reflect and confront us in the present; Not to say ‘look what they did then’, but to say ‘look what we did now’. Our film shows dehumanization at its worst. It shapes our entire past and present. Here we are now, men who reject their Judaism and the usurpation of the Holocaust by an occupation that led to conflict for so many innocent people; Whether it is the victims in Israel on October 7 or the ongoing attack on Gaza, they are all victims of this dehumanization. How will we resist?
Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt vs. Barbie Oppenheimer
Dull: “Well, the way this awards season went, that wasn’t the case HE great competition. Never mind.”
-Gosling: “That’s right, you’re doing very well, congratulations. But I think I understand a little bit why they called him ‘Barbenheimer’ but not ‘Oppenbarbie.’
Dull: “From where?”
-Gosling: “I guess you guys were at the bottom of this because you’ve been riding Barbie’s coattails all summer.”
Dull: “Thanks for explaining this to me Ken, I need to paint my abs to be nominated for Mr. You don’t see Robert Downey doing that.”
Robert Downey Jr.
… About Oppenheimer’s best supporting actor award: “I want to thank my terrible childhood and the academy, in that order. I want to thank my veterinarian — I mean my wife Susan Downey there — for finding me, a snarling rescue animal, and bringing me back to life. That’s why I’m here… I want to thank my stylist if no one else does. And Tom Hansen, my entertainment attorney of 40 years, spent the first half of that time trying to get me insured and get me out of this situation. Thanks dude.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito
: “How did Batman defeat you?”
Schwarzenegger: “He used my only weakness against me.”
: “Heat?”
Schwarzenegger: “Love.”
: “Oh. He threw me out the window.”
Schwarzenegger: “Batman is a son of a bitch. I hate him.
Mstislav Chernov
…about 20 Days in Mariupol winning the best documentary award: “This is the first Oscar in the history of Ukraine. And I’m honored, I’m honored. But I will probably be the first director to say in this scene that I wish I had never made this movie. I wish I could trade this for Russia never attacking Ukraine, Russia never occupying our cities, Russia never killing tens of thousands of Ukrainians. I wish for the release of all hostages, all soldiers protecting their lands, and all civilians currently in prisons.
“I can’t change the past. I can’t change the past. But together we are some of the most talented people in the world. We can be sure that the historical record is written straight and the truth will prevail. And that the people of Mariupol and those who gave their lives will never be forgotten. Because cinema makes memories, and memories make history.”
John Mulaney
…delivering the best sound design: “Some say the silent era was the golden age of cinema. These people are tough and crazy… So how about that moment in Field of Dreams when we hear the words ‘If you build it, they will come’? Then Costner does this, he builds a baseball field. But I guess he’s not building, he’s mowing the corn and then there’s a field and then he’s like, ‘I’m gonna watch the ghosts play baseball.’ And then the bank said: ‘Do you want to pay off your mortgage?’ and he said: ‘No, I’ll watch the ghosts play baseball.’ Then he finds James Earl Jones, who wrote The Boat Rocker, which I think was a real book in my 20s, and he says, ‘People will come, Ray.’ He is the only one with a financial plan… I love Field of Dreams. This should win best picture! But they’ll probably go with one of this year’s. Here are the candidates.”
Billie Eilish
…What Am I Made For? On winning best original song for her song: “I want to thank my best friend Zoe for playing Barbie with me growing up and for being there for me forever. I want to thank my dance teachers growing up. “I want to thank my choir teachers, Miss Freedham for believing in me, and Miss T for not liking me, but you were good at your job.”
Beautiful Cage
…To Paul Giamatti: “Last year, Paul Giamatti was so dedicated that he wore a soft contact lens throughout the entire shoot so that the character wouldn’t have a lazy eye, which resulted in him going blind in that eye during filming. Would I do this? Of course. But the point is, you did it, Paul! And you were amazing again. Bravo!”
Cillian Murphy
…On Oppenheimer winning the best actor award: “I am a very proud Irish man standing here tonight. “We made a movie about the man who created the atomic bomb, and for better or worse we all live in Oppenheimer’s world, so I really want to dedicate this to peacemakers everywhere.”
Christopher Nolan
…On Oppenheimer’s best picture win: “The movies are just over 100 years old. Imagine being there for 100 years in painting or theater. “We don’t know where this incredible journey will go next, but it means the world to me knowing that you think I was a meaningful part of it.”
Emma Stone
… After winning the best actress award for the movie Poor Things: “My dress ripped. I think it happened during I’m Just Ken. I’m pretty sure. Oh boy, that’s really impressive. Sorry, my voice is a little lost too… Don’t look at the back of my dress.”
Jimmy Kimmel
…about Donald Trump: After reading an almost verbatim negative review of Kimmel’s hosting, posted on Trump’s Truth Social page:
“Thanks for watching – I’m surprised you’re still here. Hasn’t your prison time expired?