We need to talk about Tetbury. So, from the typical Cotswolds village the town turns into a playground. Full disclosure, I am a well-intentioned townie who is not even one bit impartial.London is rude”. I have a (hopefully somewhat ironic) fascination with obnoxious brands like Versace, and I often have an overwhelming desire to drink an acai smoothie. The question is: when does “London vulgarity” go too far? When do people like me, with our utterly stupid foibles and habits, become the ones contributing to the “interesting buzz” and being “good for the local economy” when we venture out of the capital and become an invasive monster?
In my defence, at least I am a Londoner who occasionally lets loose in the Cotswolds. I’ll take at most one or two weekend trips a year. But I hear locals are fed up with wealthy townies and international super-rich buying second homes and poisoning sidewalk daffodils with their Land Rover Defenders.
On my last visit I could kind of see where they were coming from. The town center is full of people queuing for salted caramel donuts and cars parked awkwardly. Lycra-clad men boast they are “ridiculously unprepared” for L’Étape du Tour over oat flat whites at the local bike repair and coffee joint. A jar of honey from the Highgrove store costs £60.
Hipsters eventually come for everything; so there’s no use getting cocky about Tetbury hotel Calcot Manor building a new £5 million mega wellness and fitness complex bearing the inevitable name Grain Store. Nor has it partnered with Proverb, the cult brand known for its refillable deodorants.
I admit with slight embarrassment that I absolutely love him. Of course, the Cereal Store is unashamedly OTT, a cross between a vegan café and Dubai airport, with sofas and gold-plated cabinets clustered in front of backlit plant displays. Filled with the scent of sweat and bergamot, it definitely smelled of privileged ambition.
Membership doesn’t come cheap at £140 a month for non-hotel guests. But it also delivers the goods. My personal training session (£55 per hour) was more special than anything I’ve ever experienced. I had vaguely stated beforehand that it would be good to do a few exercises to complement my ballet; Instructor Verity tailored our session from retiring rotations and curtsy lunges to arabesque balances on the “wobble pad” with a thoughtful precision that truly amazed me.
The Proverb extension session that followed was a revelation. Bridging the gap between fitness and spa, the “Stretch Pod” concept is designed to improve mobility and recovery by making it easier for therapists to use body weights to get you into positions that are usually unattainable. Verity told me it’s especially popular with men who don’t make much of an effort to stretch after exercise.
Later at the spa, I tried an interesting new “Skin Exercise Facial” where the therapist vigorously lifts and squeezes your facial muscles and then whacks them with cold spoons for a “tighter” look. (Although the locker rooms have Instagram-friendly lighting, I think I noticed a difference.)
To briefly describe Calcot Manor, it would be Cotswolds-on-Thames in terms of speed; It’s the kind of place where celebrity kids’ birthday parties scream wildly from privately rented rooms. This is potentially an absolute hoot, but you have to be willing to go with it. The decor is where healthy living meets Hundred Acres of Trees; there are piles of sawn logs lining the private walls and giant scented candles lining the hallways. Halls are more traditional; All botanical fabrics and antique mirrors.
The service in the rest of the hotel is not as dedicated as the Grain Store; Staff are overstretched at the restaurant, which is extremely popular with locals who come to guzzle oysters with champagne. The food is traditional with a trendy approach and reliably delicious. I enjoyed my truffle cheese soufflé and the Orkney scallops glazed with yuzu butter.
After a busy day, I felt relieved when I retreated to my bedroom; There was definitely trendy hardware in my bedroom: Roberts radio, mirrored wardrobe, Aromatherapy Associates toiletries in the bathroom. It was also extremely comfortable, with wood-beamed ceilings and a comfortable bed.
After checking out the next morning, I took a tour around Tetbury church; there a kind local lady approached me and asked if I would join a car tour since there were “too many people wandering around the cemetery today”. I felt a little bad. Then I went to the deli around the corner and loaded up on venison pie and pumpkin salad.
Double rooms start from £334 including breakfast.
Tetbury, Gloucestershire, GL8 8YJ (01666 890391; calcot.co)